All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
