i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Randomize
