i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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