Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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