This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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