I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
