How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
