im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Randomize
