What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
