i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Pants are for mortals
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
