so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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