May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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