my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
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