if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
