I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
