I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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