he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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