Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
