I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
