I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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