I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
