worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I am one with the molecules
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
