'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
