Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
