My nipple is on Facebook.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
