Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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