I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Found your dick twin last night
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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