HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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