A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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