I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
