So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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