This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
