I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
