There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
