I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
