How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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