I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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