Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
