I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Randomize
