After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
