matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
