Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
