you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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