I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
