he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
