mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
