rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
