I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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