just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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