Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
